Grounding : Forgiveness
“Everyone thinks forgiveness is a lovely idea until he has something to forgive.” – C.S. Lewis
At that point Peter got up the nerve to ask, “Master, how many times do I forgive a brother or sister who hurts me? Seven?”22 Jesus replied, “Seven! Hardly. Try seventy times seven. – Matthew 18 : 21-22 The Message
I received an email from an assistant at the church plant my family attends now. You might remember it, my certain brook for such a time as this. The one I walk to. We’ve experienced the temperature dip that pronounces summer officially over in New York City. It’s all about layers and scarfs and rustling leaves. There’s a biting chill in the air that foretells a harsh winter – but I still love our walk.
I’ve committed to assisting in one way or another once a month. I’ve only served as a dance minister in other congregations…so this is new. On the form I couldn’t decide where I wanted to be used so I asked God to use me however he needed me. So far that’s included prayer after service, serving communion and last weeks first time request.
I opened the email with little expectation. We’ve worshipped there a few months now and I’ve gotten used to the flow of connection with regard to communication. But this week was a little different. I received two emails. The first asked if I was available to serve that weekend offering no clear directive. Ummm…ok. Whatever, however Lord. I confirm my availability and answer yes. And then the second email….
“Thanks Lisha. Could you read scripture in the service? The scripture is
Matthew 18:21-35 (NIV Version). Just let me know if you would be willing to do that.”
And just like that God called me to a face to face meeting where I’d be forced to think about the spot on my heart. The almost undetectable blemish that I successfully cover – most days. But His word is a powerful scan, highlighting things I deny, revealing hidden truths. Scars. It’s there – The “f”word. Forgiveness.
I already know where this is going but the little girl gangsta in me feigns innocence. I clutch my pearls or cowrie shells or whatever and act like God didn’t just call me out. I sit with my bible and read the words. I imagine how my voice will sound wafting through a room full of people. I wonder where I should pause for significance and how I might allow my voice to rise and fall for effect. In the light of His works, my reputation and performance are of no importance. I know this. It’s only what I do for His name and renown that matters but like I said, I’m struggling. My head takes over just as the walls go up around my heart. I’m on lock down, in full on defense mode.
I’m not half way though before the Holy Spirit power of those words jumps off the page and wrestles me to my knees. “This word is for you. You, Lisha , have to forgive.”
And that’s all kinds of hellish scary and hard. I don’t know how to forgive. I know I’m called to do it but I don’t want to. Forgiveness comes in stages. Today its a strange mix of denial and maintenance. It’s asking for grace to make it through another day. Sometimes it’s keeping quiet. Others, it’s a fist shaking scream to the heavens where I beg God to remove the thorn. It’s causing me to limp and I don’t want to look like a victim. Jesus, you know I can’t let them see me weak.
I know that word was for me. I’ll stay grounded in the truth of His forgiveness for me. I’ll ask for grace to believe it and look forward to the freedom it promises. It is lovely isn’t it…until you’re called to do it. Touché Mr. Lewis. Touché.
I guess I’ll start here.. Lord, have patience with me, help me extend that grace to others. Lord let me learn from your example. Lord forgive me and teach me to forgive.
That I’m asking for something I haven’t been able to give isn’t lost on me, it’s just God’s way of humbling me, laying bare, my great need.
