Jumping out of my lap after a round of loving, my son sped down the hall lightning fast. He didn’t expect me to chase him. With the younger two, I’ve become that mommy. I’m good for the love and hugs – that’s easy. What I don’t want to do – is the work of play.
There’s a line between motherhood and me….and I won’t cross it. But we face off with each other a lot lately…toe-to-toe, resistant…defiant. I feel her eyes narrow, when hands-on-hips she shakes a finger….”You’re half-stepping lady.” Her hollow comments follow me like a toddler after a snack. Between my doing and dreaming she’s there to point a finger or roll an eye. She with the yard stick. Ever comparing, always judging. Because I have two sets of children and I haven’t treated them the same.
Today I’m sharing my thoughts on play and my life as a mama of many at The High Calling. What a joy to be part of this community. You can read the rest of the post here.
figuring it out – a Lenten journey photo : Flickr CC – starmama
“I’m intrigued. I’ve never participated in any form of Lenten journey. In this crazy maze of a mind are far too many questions but – they’re no match for my faith. I’m in for the exploration.”
I left these words on the blog of a friend recently and it sort of jump started a stream of thoughts on Lent. It got me thinking. I’m used to a faith that moves. In my worship experience there’s always been lots of movement and noise. A clear and defined order to the program, but more than enough room to shake things up every week. It keeps you wondering – what’s next? I like it. But it lacks ordered communal rituals like Lent and is loud when my heart craves quiet. And like I said, I’m intrigued.
I gave my life to The Lord at a non-denominational church, a church that grew out of a bible study in New Yorks’ theater district. There was spirit led worship and tongue speaking. And true to its musical theater beginnings….exceptional music, dance and theater. At that time in my life – it was everything I needed. I needed to get to know Jesus and under the covering of this church, learned to love Him completely.
Beyond worship as dance and song, I’m fascinated by the quiet beauty of ritual. This longing for pattern and practice goes beyond prayers for me and mine, beyond my usual experience. Could God be calling me to a more contemplative place for a different more thoughtful worship experience? Because all I really want is silence. I want silence.
I worked at Saks Fifth Avenue years ago, just across the street from the famed St. Patrick’s Cathedral. And on Ash Wednesday, every year, the morning rush to our first meeting of the day was hijacked by stragglers walking into the conference room bearing the cross. Talk around the copy machine of giving up diet soda or chocolate by people who appeared to have no connection to Christ any other time of the year. No, not on Christmas either..this was retail after all. This was my first experience of Lent.
Last fall I was gifted a copy of Ann Voskamps’ “The Greatest Gift” and this Christmas, attempted to explore Advent with my family. I wrote about some of our experiences here and here. It was wonderful until we drifted back into our regular routine. We began fresh and eager with nightly readings and every intention to complete our Jesse Tree. Then, the time suck of our usual consumed and we were back in the Christmas vacuum…where the holiday is over before it’s begun and it’s downfall was the ever elusive to-do list. It’s hard to create new customs when habit pushes us so easily toward a comfortable automatic. Ritual is hard to establish.
I’ll fight for it. I’m attracted to the idea of intentional reflection and sacrifice. My life as a woman living in the United States of America knows abundance and waste. I take for granted things some would consider answers to urgent prayer. Basic things like clean water, a warm home, access to emergency health care. From a place of such privilege, for me, a Lenten journey feels right.
I’m praying. For his grace, his love, like a river….come down…because I already know. And knowing makes me hungry for more. Maybe it’s the next step, a natural progression where wisdom takes over and I prioritize the time. Maybe it’s that I’ve opened my eyes and finally see. Maybe it’s my one word this year – discipline – spilling over and into the cracks of my faith.
I’ll explore Lent with quiet observation, know his suffering with the solemnity of a personal ceremony. Maybe I’ll be led to sacrifice something, maybe not. More likely I’ll rest in the spaces of my life that leave room for ritual, breathe a little deeper and practice patience with things I don’t have answers for. Be – quiet. Seek – silence.
I love how He leads. He cares enough to keep us hungry. Set before us at the banquet table is a smorgasbord of His love, presented as delectable delights….all offered…equally…full servings of grace. Every expression unique, each portion a free gift and ours for the asking. He keeps us wanting, yet beautifully satisfies. Amen.
Is this your first Lenten journey? Tell me about your first experience with Lent and where you are today?
an offering to Jennifer and the community at #TellHisStory
From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For thou hast been a shelter for me, and a strong tower from the enemy. I will abide in thy tabernacle for ever: I will trust in the covert of thy wings. Selah. –Psalm 61:1-4
and The Message version is really good too…
God, listen to me shout, bend an ear to my prayer. When I’m far from anywhere, down to my last gasp, I call out, “Guide me up High Rock Mountain!”
You’ve always given me breathing room, a place to get away from it all, A lifetime pass to your safe-house, an open invitation as your guest. You’ve always taken me seriously, God, made me welcome among those who know and love you.
I wondered if Jennifer Lee’s “pre-approved” movement applied to me. I wondered if I could find a love idol to lay at the altar. Ha! Well, that was Wednesday and by Friday God had pulled and tugged at threads, reopened wounds…. revealed scars. He showed me my redeemed heart. Because I do struggle with feeling less than but I’m a little older and wiser and long ago – He taught me a song.
lead me to the rock that is higher than I – God seared and sealed this word in my heart so long ago I’d forgotten. Deidras’ words here reminded me of “my song”. It silences my “symphony of negativity”.
This is the song I sing to myself when I hear the din of negative voices telling me I’m not good enough, I’m not qualified, I don’t have certification or validation. It’s the song I sang after a frustrating scroll through Facebook. I hadn’t felt that competitive frustration in a long time. You might know it…it’s the one that makes you dissatisfied with your portion. And I know better, so I immediately closed my computer. I sat and the words welled up as His holy hush screamed yes to my no. And I heard the chorus echo, breaking through clumps and clots to filter finally, smoothly…to my heart – I am “pre-approved”! Seriously, I will never look at an envelope bearing those words the same again. What was once fodder for the shredding machine is now a sweet message from Jesus. Thanks for flipping the script on that one Jennifer!
He is my holy home and safe space…my hiding place. When I hear the lies creep in I shut them down with a song. His word in song, breathed as living offering… bends me low to lift Him up. He is greater and His greatness covers my humanity. His grace covers my imperfections and strengthens me to press on. His greatness certifies my beauty and brilliance… my worth, my ability. He certifies me and I….am pre-approved.
What’s your song? I’m sold on the message. Love Idol is on my list and in my cart. It’s available for pre-order on Amazon.
Like a river it came down
Rushing wild and free
It poured
Fast like fire
It enveloped, exploded
consumed
Leaving in its wake
A whisper of smoke , a trace of dust
A misty filter and indiscernible….vapor
Burnt ashes our offering
We are reduced to nothing
And from nothing…made new
We have nothing left to give
But love…
Love won.
and Freedom is here
But you have to choose
Freedom costs and you get to choose
What’s left is love
Freedom come down as love on earth
and it’s here to stay
But we have to choose.
It’s Five Minute Friday where a community of women gather to write for 5 minutes on 1 word. No editing, rethinking, backtracking – just get it out and on the page. Today’s word is CHOOSE. It isn’t easy but it’s so much fun. Join us.
