I fell in love with natural hair in second grade. Traci wore her cotton candy clouds of hair woven into 2 soft braids. They crisscrossed at the nape of her neck. From my seat at a wooden desk scribbled with the names of children who’d come before me, I watched and dreamed about her hair. Traci’s hair was a marvel, a fully loaded sensory experience of texture and smell. The sweet mixture of coconut oil and sweat intrigued me. More than anything, I wanted to talk to her about her hair. Her free, unbothered, beautiful hair. Traci tapped into the glory of her #blackgirlmagic way before it was cool … and we hadn’t even hit the double digits.
But this was the real world and I had other concerns.
Our classroom wasn’t air-conditioned. While myself and all the other girls worried over the imminent reversion of our press-n-curls, Traci simply looked beautiful. Something told me we were all trying a little too hard.
Who do you think you are
Who do you wanna be
You’re the only one that really knows
Maybe you’ll be surprised
After your search is through
When you find you’ve just been chasing you – The Spinners
‘Let me fix your hair’ – was a coded alarm, indicating the need to make right, the wrong of our hair. The central message being – your hair, Black hair is a problem – it needs to be fixed.’ Thus began the subduing of a girls’ soul with the heat of a searing hot comb. One section, at a time. Not good enough hair was doomed to a lifetime of living – in an altered state.
A part of me I couldn’t name was drawn to, maybe even challenged by Traci’s natural hair. But at 7, I’d already absorbed the language and messages surrounding good/straight and bad/nappy hair. I already lamented my place on the continuum. My hair, in its natural state, wasn’t good enough. It didn’t curl or cascade below my shoulders in a sea of golden locks. It didn’t look like the hair of the women and girls I got to know on mainstream television.
That part of me, connected to the memory of my creation. A child of God, I knew the ancient beauty of my original self. That part of me longed to, through resistance – love my natural hair. The girl who stared back at me in the mirror at night began to ask questions. She begged me to stay curious, to give my hair a chance. She knew how powerfully hair shaped the identity of black women. She wanted me to be free.
I’m in the middle of a demanding project this summer. Add that to the bevy of antics I’ve encountered in midlife and I’d say we have the makings of a perfect storm. I want to press into the heart of the work and consider the opportunity a gift but don’t know if I can do it. I’ve learned to accept excitement and doubt as difficult but necessary companions. They’re here to push me to the next part of the journey – where I’m equal parts cautiously thrilled and overwhelmed. It’s part of the process. I know. But the questions I face challenge me to live into the tension of the work, in tandem with the perpetual unfolding of this thing I call a midlife mystery. I won’t say it’s hard – you already know that.
Yet the experience is like none I’ve known. God has shown me the answer to my midlife mystery.
Doubt – won’t stop me. If I fall, I know only that I’ll begin again.
At least twice this week God gave me a visual, a birdseye view of my story. And in each revealing, I see trees and hear music. I feel my bare feet burrowing into the ground beneath me and take in the scent of crushed lavender on my fingertips. Whatever this is, it satisfies my longing, my thirst for sensory engagement, a fully embodied human experience. I survive.
I needed to know that. Perhaps you do too.
If you’re in the heart of your own midlife or personal mystery, be encouraged. You’re gonna make it.
Sharing inspiration from my week …
What is wanted is not that we should find ultimate truth,
nor that we should become secure,
nor that we should have ease
nor that we should be without hurt, But that we should live fully.
Therefore we should not fear life,
nor anything in life,
we should not fear death,
nor anything in death
we should live our lives
in love with life.
It is for us
to train our hearts
to live in grace
to sacrifice our self-centered desires,
to find the peace without want
without seeking it for ourselves,
and when we fail,
to begin again each day.
If we adopt an outlook of confidence and trust and perfect our experience by care others, if we live in the certainty that we are heirs in the providence of the outermost mystery, we will begin to change into the persons that we have the potential to be.
and a few words I scribbled in the car on Friday …
I found truth on the other side of the mountain
Beyond grief, grace I know the wisdom of the bud The hopeful tune of a star catcher, singing sweet secrets to my soul. Grace slipped into the cracks of what broke me Grace … made me whole.
Let your handmaiden find grace in your sight … #GiveMeGrace
Two years ago I joined Leigh Kramer and friends for a post called ‘What I’m Into.’ You can read that here. It’s fun to look back and see a curated list of my then favorites and, to think about how quickly time passes. I thought it would be fun to do it again* … just before I announce our giveaway winner from last week.
Here goes..
1. The Artist’s Way – by Julia Cameron – I ordered this book from Amazon in the spring and it’s flirted with me from my bookshelf since that time. I see it as a rite of passage for any creative soul and with a tagline like – a spiritual path to higher creativity, well, it’s got my name written all over it. I believe with the author when she says “Creativity is God’s gift to us. Using our creativity is our gift back to God.” It’s a lofty goal to think I’ll complete this dense and compelling workbook anytime soon but this summer I thought I’d at least begin.
After a few weeks, I still haven’t found a rhythm with writing my morning pages but I am reading and soaking up the wisdom of my fully embodied creative self through the text. It is great food for my writing soul and has been especially helpful as I push through a particularly challenging project I’m working on. What I have committed to is a weekly art refueling date where I set aside intentional time to “nurture my creative consciousness”.
Museums play a huge role in that.
2. The Metropolitan Museum of Art – I live a short walk away from this blocks long collection of some of the most important works of art our time. This summer it’s been my joy to spend as many afternoons as possible in the shade of their galleries. A favorite was the Manus x Machina show which explores handmade and machine-made techniques used in the creation of couture and ready to wear fashion.
Some of my favorites ….
3. Kind Fruit and Nut Bars – in Dark Chocolate Almond and Coconut – My seminary mama friend Peeka introduced me to the Almond and Coconut. It literally gave me the energy I needed to make it through the first half of our New Testament class. Imagine my delight when I realized my favorite flavor got even better with the addition of dark chocolate. Heaven.
4. Online Writing Communities – Hope*Writers, Fistbump Media University with Dan King and the Online Writing Community via AndiLit – Besides the writerly camaraderie I’ve enjoyed these pools of encouragement and wisdom. I love having a place to go to when I have questions and scrolling through the Facebook groups attached to these sites is always time well spent.
5. Pacifica’s Indian Coconut Nectar Body Butter – I really don’t have to say anything else do I? Right. It’s the kind of always in my bag, never leave home without it, simplest of joys that make a girl feel good. I buy it from Whole Foods and put a little on Chailah every morning before she heads off for skating camp. When I can’t find it I know Ila has taken it from my purse. It’s that good.
6. The 30 Day Yoga Camp with Adriene – here’s the link. Go get you some feel good, do good, body loving movement. Free on YouTube!
7. Shakespeare – who knew the bard would have me chasing him around the city all summer. So far we’ve enjoyed an on the run version of A Midnight Summer’s Dream by the New York Classical Theatre where we meet at a designated place and follow the actors throughout the park for scene changes. So much fun. And the Classical Theatre of Harlem’s production of Macbeth. Set in Ethiopia during the time of Haile Selassie this production speaks to the diverse culture of its Harlem audience. They also collaborated with the Elisa Monte DanceCompanyto invigorate the performance with top-notch dancers and spectacular choreography. I’ve already seen it twice.
8. Nell Irvin Painter – a new to me, historian. Listen to her break down a little of the angst created by the current political season. Calm, poised, logical, wise. I think Nell should be president.
9. Babette’s Feast – “Beautiful but pious sisters Martine (Birgitte Federspiel) and Philippa (Bodil Kjer) grow to spinsterhood under the wrathful eye of their strict pastor father on the forbidding and desolate coast of Jutland, until one day, Philippa’s former suitor sends a Parisian refugee named Babette (Stéphane Audran) to serve as the family cook. Babette’s lavish celebratory banquet tempts the family’s dwindling congregation, who abjure such fleshly pleasures as fine foods and wines.”
Years ago the famed choreographer Billy Wilson talked about this film with a studio full of dancers after rehearsal. I was young and too full of myself to make it my business to watch the film then, but I did late one night this week. I’ll leave you with this “an artist is never poor”. Catch it streaming on Hulu and Netflix.
10.Martine’s Dream – It’s pretty cool to have a dress named after you. Debbie Hardy of Martine’s Dream has done me that honor in dubbing the design below the “Lisha Caftan.” I talk about Debbie all the time online. She’s Aunty Debbie to my lovelies and a dear,dear friend. Check her out.
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Giveaway Announcement!
I’m also into sharing my world as much as I can with you by actually giving away some to the good stuff I enjoy. I’m happy to announce Mary Geisen as our #Giveaway winner! Congratulations! Your Epperson dress and my book, The Process, The Promise are on their way!
Let your handmaiden find grace in your sight … #GiveMeGrace
♥
*The next What I’m Into post won’t go live until August 1st. I’ll be sure to link up then.
I’m a recipe girl in the kitchen and apply my comfort with the written word to all culinary efforts. I read and follow directions well and I’m not afraid to try. For those same reasons, I’m not afraid of technology. I’m able to dig into the meat of a project as long as I have assistance, a clear-cut guide to help me reach my goal.
I set up my email marketing server, Mailchimp, over 2 years ago. It was the next step in growing my readership as a blogger. It showed a level of responsibility and trust. I was excited to connect with readers in their inboxes.
I thought I’d done it right.
The directions were straight forward. There were videos and links and written instructions that didn’t mock me. I’m pretty funny but there’s nothing funnier than a monkey with a wrench showing up as a guide when you’ve made a mistake. Again, I thought I’d set this thing up right.
But….and this is a big one for me (because I pride myself on paying attention) – I skipped an important piece of the puzzle. I ultimately set the heart of my system to fail.
Details create the big picture. – Sanford I. Weill
When I opened my account I didn’t set up an RSS feed. This meant subscribers didn’t receive my posts in their inboxes. They only received something if I sent it directly from Mailchimp. The whole point of my system functioned this way for 2 years. #BloggingFail
I suspected something was wrong and went in with enthusiasm to fix it. If you’re anything like me you know what it’s like to tinker under the hood of your blog. Well, that door we open only gets harder to shut. One thing leads to another and before you know it you’ve spent an entire day doing something you imagined would only take an hour.
This blogging on a shoe-string has its pitfalls. The black hole of time we get pulled into is one of them.
Sigh. I’m still learning how to configure automation on said email marketing server. Please bear with me.
So this is my great big fat subscriber apology. And I’m excited about it because it gives me a chance to begin again. Can I call a do over? Can we begin again?
********
I read this a few days ago …
“Unfocused reflections or rants that have weak structure and are not centered on benefiting the reader in a clear way.”
and have had a hard time writing since.
In an effort to be intentional about my writing life I’ve spent the last few weeks working on guest posts to submit to sites where I feel my words fit. I’m also tending the garden of what could be a huge project. I’ll tell you more about that later. All this to say, I’m excited about where I am but not yet, where I want to be. Moving from one space to another, involves change. And change is hard.
After a disappointing beginning with rejection from a huge site 3 years ago, I found myself fortunate enough to be invited to write as a contributor for a few online spaces. I inherited and became the host for a popular linkup (that’s how we got to know each other).
But I’m not sure I had a plan.
I’d never heard the word platform used in the sense of creating one’s own and I never imagined writing would mean so much to me. So those words … “benefitting the reader in a clear way” made me nervous. They asked a question I wasn’t ready to answer. When I stopped writing consistently about infertility I didn’t know how I’d fill a need online. I still don’t.
I’m prayerfully posting. I make it my business to fill the kitty with work so that if nothing else, I have a commitment to giving my writing a chance simply by showing up.
I wrote an ebook last spring and I’ve kept my commitment to the linkup – even through the unexpected turn of events that landed me in seminary last fall. I’m intentionally pursuing spaces I’d like to see my work.
I consider every opportunity to write a gift and I still have so much to learn. My blogging home has been my laboratory and you, sweet friends, have been my classmates and teachers. I love what we’re doing here.
By writing, we learn to write. Agreed.
But….
I agree with those who say we have to be intentional and not simply write in circles to fill a quota or word coutn per day. We have to set our hearts to improve.
The tension of the pause before release requires we make the effort. And that can be uncomfortable. I don’t know if I’m getting better but I’m intentionally committed. I think that is the difference.
Still, I read those words, words from a site suggesting what not to submit and began to doubt myself and the God who invited me here. I doubted my ability and potential to grow.
Has that ever happended to you?
When I listened to the podcast linked to the post above, it reminded me that my momentary pause or doubt is part of the process. It’s the temporary freeze before I begin the work of filling the gap – gearing myself up, to begin again.
It’s how I pressed through and submitted my e-book as an in print option at Create Space. I’m grateful to be learning to write by writing and I’ll continue to follow the voice of the one who bids me to
Resist the resistance. – Steven Pressfield
You learn how to write a book, by writing a book. – Ann Kroeker
I uploaded my e-book to CreateSpace a few weeks ago and it’s available as a print book on Amazon. It isn’t perfect but it’s my offering to women suffering from infertility. It is a labor of love and in pushing through my doubts, I learned a lot about myself as a writer. If you’re a blogging friend I’d urge you to press forward with that e-book if it’s something Gods called you to do.
I’m still collecting reviews and now – I’m promoting it for a great cause! A portion of the proceeds will help fund a yearly afternoon tea and cupcake gathering for interim caretakers and waiting families at a local adoption agency.
I know God will use my words and now they’re part of something good. They’re also part of my growing volume of work.
You can buy it here or leave a comment below to win a copy I’m giving away along with an Epperson dress.
Now that I’m working out the kinks with this technology learning curve, I promise to be more consistent. And I’ll keep learning.
Thanks for the encouragement to keep going, Ann. Your words helped me push past the voices that discourage me. I’m ready to begin again.
Let your handmaiden find grace in your sight … #GiveMeGrace
♥
What are you working on? How are you adding to your body of work? Are you filling the gap between the writer you are now and the writer /dreamer/ believer you’d like to become? Or are you working on something else … branching out, starting over with something new. Tell me about it.
the details –
Don’t forget to leave a comment below for a chance to win.
Winner will be selected by random drawing and announced next Sunday.
Dress is a cotton rayon blend , v-neck, belted,with a cherry floral-like pattern on a base of black – Size M .
