Blog : Give Me Grace

We have a very open relationship with Ila’s birth family. I’m proud of how we’ve loved on each other throughout the process of getting acquainted. It’s been 10 years and it really just gets better, deeper, more loving.

I’m learning to trust the love.  We are committed to “our” daughter. This bond…is real.  We surrender to it completely, are blessed by it daily and live the sweet promise of  redemption. Every adoption is different and evolves on a case by case basis but if you are considering openness I’d like to share a few things I’ve learned.

Here are 5 tips to help you enjoy your open adoption…

1.Read Dear Birthmother by Kathleen Silber and Phylis Speedlin.  This book pushes the role of the birthmother to the forefront and will not allow you to simply remember her as the saint that gave you a baby.  Birthmothers come to the table with insecurities and doubts of their own.  Get to know a little about how they may be feeling by reading this book.

2. Be yourself.  Any relationship requires trust and without it you have nothing to build on. Reveal your humanity. Don’t be afraid to expose your vulnerability. Insecurities and doubts are normal…we all have to work through them. With this in mind, don’t  make promises you have no intention of keeping.   Don’t say yes when you mean no.  Be honest.

3. As an adoptive parent you can feel beholden to your child’s birthmother.  While a healthy amount of gratitude is fine, operation from this position of weakness helps no one.  Work on establishing entitlement as soon as possible. Entitlement allows you the freedom to be your child’s mother.  Roles will be clear and boundaries definitively established simply because you feel entitled. Your child’s birthmother chose you because she knew that this job was yours to do. Do it.  Always in love.

4. Follow her lead. The opening of an adoption is a process.   Sensitively take steps to  carve out a relationship that works. Take cues from her but never be afraid to ask questions or gently express your needs.  Keep the lines of communication open with a no-stress motto. The reality of openness requires flexibility. Remember this is about transition and healing.  While you’re in the seemingly simple sweet spot of the adoption  process, enjoying life as a new parent, she…is being challenged to rebuild her world. Be mindful of that but remember too that new babies are a lot of work. Give each other the space required to grow.  Let her have the freedom, within reason, to tread lightly, taking time to build confidence and gain trust in this new relationship. And again…because its worth repeating….follow her lead and respect the limits of privacy that she requests.

5. Share your gift.  You can only do this after getting comfortable with tip number  3.   Your baby is an amazing gift….to both of you. Don’t be afraid to share him/her.  Your child’s birthmother will honor and respect you for allowing her the priceless gift of peace.  Pictures, emails, notes, drawings or even occasional phone calls and visits can mean the world to the woman who doesn’t get to experience the beautifully mundane every day of her baby’s life.

Remember this love is bold and broad…it is big enough to encircle both your worlds. Operating from this place of unconditional love and complete truth your child is  raised whole. In time you’ll find that you have enlarged your family, broadening its meaning and establishing a tribe of people who will love and support you and your child for life.

Are you considering open adoption?  Tell me about your concerns. I would love to answer any questions you have in the comment section above.