Blog : Give Me Grace

It had to come to this...I knew the Lord would begin to speak to me about diet. Working the body with exercise causes me to think of it as a wonderfully crafted machine. I begin to seriously consider what I’m consuming and how it relates to the weight loss results I achieve. So we’ve got something to talk about and I’ve got to lay my issues on the line…

Carbohydrates. Oh, the dreaded and beloved scones, pancakes and baked goods that I’ve become so fond of. My diet has fallen into the standard routine of nourishment by convenience. I eat food that is easy to get to and prepare and if my food isn’t convenient…it’s comforting. My baking habit…exhibit A.

There are changes to make. First the physical activity and now the little alterations that will help accelerate my efforts. My diet and exercise plan working in tandem to bring about a stronger, fit and more focused me. This week I will limit my carbs and focus on vegetables and protein. This works for my body and gives me the energy and clarity of mind I need to function in my daily life as mama of the lovelies. Eliminating meals and severely restricting calories doesn’t work and isn’t wise.

It’s been hard though…I’ve been a little physically disgusted with my body. My stomach gets in the way of movements I try to make. Interfering in my attempts to bend and stretch. My belly feels like another person…a person I have to pardon as I attempt my work out. Always under foot , under way. I know the presence of this gut is a reminder for me to go deeper within. To search my core…my center.. My solid rock. At the center of all this physical is the spiritual and I am feelings the early pains of those first most difficult lessons. The undisciplined life is hard to change and change although good…hurts.

Midweek and only because of an upcoming vacation, I found myself trying on a swimsuit. I really wasn’t ready for that. The images are still in my head ( small dolphin ) not sure if it helps or hinders but that day was discouraging. I am staying committed to the exercise but was reminded of how far away I am from any semblance of physical fitness – how much work I have to do.

Yes. I did. I followed that feeling with a bowl of ice cream the next day. My inner chunky girl lapping up the delicious but deadly creamy goodness – because hey – what’s the big deal and everyone makes mistakes. Sigh.

It wasn’t planned, but I didn’t exercise that day. My body was/ is being pushed, reintroduced to a lifestyle of fitness and its sore and working very hard to adjust. A day off was just what I needed to realize the benefits of what I’d been working on. The results are slow in coming but I realize my posture has improved, my center feels a bit stronger (even if that only means I’m more aware of it). My stress level is improved and I’m smiling more. Sowing into myself makes me feel good. Christ created and knit me together to His liking and I’ve got to be okay with that – wherever I fall on the spectrum as relates to my goal on any given day (especially on “baby dolphin” days).

I escaped anorexia and severe body issues as a dancer. Dancing in rather healthy environments and working with dancers of all shapes and sizes saved me from that particular form of crazy. Still, anyone who has spent a lifetime in front of a mirror has some issues. When your body is always being tested and tried to go faster, higher, longer….you develop insecurities and judgements against yourself. You’re proud of what’s going right and the things about your body that help in your dancing but the things that challenge you present an obstacle …something to change, beat into submission…alter. You learn to work with odd feet, minimal turnout and large breasts. But at what cost? How does a young woman develop a truly healthy vision of her body when it doesn’t comply with current standards?

I spent too many years as a dancer in front of a mirror criticizing my imperfections. I rarely acknowledged the acceptable, even beautiful. I didn’t appreciate the me that was designed with a purpose. I am aware that I come to the table with a warped body image that needs healing. My body’s inability to successfully carry life took the skewed relationship I already had with my body and added a dose of dissatisfaction that was horrifying. For awhile, any glimpse of myself was followed by an inner cursing and belittling of the image I saw. I couldn’t stop it. I said it in the last post…infertility messed me up more than all those years in a ballet studio.

so much more to come…stay tuned

I have trailed the brilliance of this woman’s career. Hope Boykin is my vision of a truly healthy and spiritually grounded dancer. Be ministered to by her movements when the Alvin Ailey American Dance Theatre visits your city.