This is the post that cuts the deepest. Because the topic unearths me, places me front and center…in the now of my fertility journey.
So here it is…
One successful pregnancy wasn’t enough for me. The beauty of a full belly and the experience of nursing made me want it again. In fact, I secretly hoped to conceive again…almost immediately after giving birth. 6 weeks was too long to wait. I listened to and wanted to believe all the stories about heightened fertility after pregnancy. I wanted to do it again.
There was a glitch. I wasn’t sure if I wanted another baby or just the experience of pregnancy. Actually having a living baby gave me confidence in my body’s ability. This was refreshing after infertility, which made me doubt my body in a way that made me feel ugly and unworthy. And – there were so many fears. I didn’t walk through my pregnancy the way , people do now. There were no posts on Facebook, no public sonograms, no belly shots. No grand announcements. Most people didn’t know we were expecting. Unless you were in our current life rotation…passing us by in the neighborhood, through homeschooling or work…you didn’t know. Because we couldn’t talk about something we weren’t sure was really happening.
I think I wanted a do over.
On my next birthday I’ll be 48. It was only a few weeks ago when I had the life shifting thought that kind of rocked my world. At the skating rink with Ila I saw a parent come in with a baby. She climbed the steps to the seating area after dropping off her skater and came to join the other parents. The months old baby was in a sling. Tender, soft and new. The woman, flushed with life and the busyness of motherhood…glowed. Sweet right? Negative. My first thought? – “not feeling that stage again”. It’s weird having those thoughts. 
I confessed this to my husband who practically celebrated. Happy to have me off the baby track, he congratulated me for finally coming to my senses. I’m grateful to him for not laughing at me a few months after Ade’ was born. He humored me but was always honest in sharing his position. He was done. We’d received our miracles and won the lottery after risking my life. That chapter of our lives…for him, was over.
So I’m dancing toward an end to this journey. My body is quieting. I sense subtle changes in my cycle and in myself that signal the arrival of a new phase of life. I’m not sad. I will gracefully let go of the things of youth and embrace this next chapter.
I’m putting away dreams of fertility, birth and babies and can’t complain. My motherhood career has been rich in ways I find myself grateful for. On the flip side of my grief, I found gratitude. I’ve known tears and surrender and redemption, and grace. I have many years of motherhood before me and like I always say…”I’m still on the playground.”
an encouraging word…found on the blog of Barbara Albright “The Empty Nest Mom”
“Middle age is not the period of high anxiety that we’ve been led to believe. For most people, mid-life is the place to be.” – Patricia Cohen author – In Our Prime
A prayer…
Infertility Prayer Day #27
You catch up with earlier posts in this series by clicking here.
