Can you forgive betrayal? Can you make peace with your body during infertility?
Your body is your friend. You’ll spend a lifetime in it. And you only get one. You rely on her without thinking. It’s systematic functioning is called upon to rule your physical experience of life on earth. You only get one. You ask it to run 5k’s with no preparation, get you up and out to the house every day – your body is your friend. But you’ll have to forgive her. She may not meet your expectations of perfection.
The relationship between a woman and her body is complex and ever-changing. From the budding of breasts and curves to the all important question of when “it” will arrive…you’ve patterned a way of communicating with your body. You feel you know her…until you don’t. Can you forgive her betrayal if she refuses to produce children – the perceived culmination of your womanly journey?
Infertility brings into question the authenticity of your relationship. How well do you really know her? In crisis, can she be relied upon? The loss of a baby through miscarriage, inconsistent ovulation, tumors and cysts – a million little things and a million little ways our bodies can fail us. And it only takes one. One experience of failure to make us question whether Gods word is true. Betrayal can do that. The fearfully and wonderfully body as described in the Bible? Clearly you didn’t get one of those.
Infertility is the cruelest form of betrayal to the woman who desires a child. Your body can feel like a friend who betrayed you. A few months ago and inspired by Idelette McVicker of She Loves Magazine, I wrote a love letter to my body. I wish I’d done this sooner. Something about rewinding the clock to review our relationship helped me process my feelings, examine the complexities of our connection. Until then, I felt only a general haze of anger. Anger towards my body because of infertility and its imperfections as viewed by a ballerina. Writing my feelings down was the beginning of a long overdue conversation. Owning my feelings by writing them down changed me. I inched toward forgiveness and solidified my peace with God.
the word…
“Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day;
The darkness and the light are both alike to You.
For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.”
Psalm 139:12-14
The prayer..
Infertility Prayer Day #16
Here’s a link to my love letter. I hope it encourages you to write your own.
You can catch up on earlier posts in this series by clicking here.
